let me tell you a tale about the worst smoothie that anyone has ever had ever.
SO. i am on a high calorie diet, which means, eating has become a full time JOB and food has now officially more or less become gross to me.
For a couple of days I have been dreaming of the cool refreshing taste of a smoothie to get my palette refreshed. MMM. Mango maybe? Pomegranate possibly? I would stroll down to Ben and Jerry’s and drink its over priced deliciousness.
But that day and every day before my attempts had been cut short. You see, there are a group of homeless young adults in effin’ beach chairs who hover outside of the Ben and Jerry’s and even though I keep trying to go near closing time they are still there and i am too stuffed on food to enjoy the guilt of enjoying a $6 smoothie and refusing to give change to these people. (because they are out everyday if i give once i’ll feel even more obligated or awkward every time i don’t)
SO anyway. I asked myself. DAMMIT TRIS. How many more fucken days are you not gonna have a smoothie. “TREAT CHOSELF”. (Yeah THANKS Tom Haverford)
So there is this hipster spot that is new in town that people love. It is really just a fancy coffee shop that looks like a 3 star restaurant or something. They have smoothies with fancy ingredients that seemed to be packed with calories.
I read the smoothie list and see one with apple, strawberry, banana, mango- fucken delicious- okay, of course there were some add ons, protein (which i need), hemp seeds, goji berries, ah wtf right? that’s fancy shit. I’m down with fancy shit.
The barista assures me this think is going to be packed with calories- and now i’m excited. no one sells shit in a cup for 9.50 especially after I tipped on a to-go drink right?
This thing sucked. It tasted like chalk ass, but it was tolerable, and cold and I had a straw. Until I got home.
I had to add protein powder because “mix with your favorite drink it says”. although that was stupid of me because Ass Chalk Smoothie is certainly not my favorite drink.
FUCK. This thing was no longer drinkable by straw, it’d become too lumpy! The once Ass Chalk Smoothie was now a vicious concoction only to be drunken straight up like dangerous right of passage. Even as I type this I am pausing grabbing my face in horror as I recollect what happened last night.
The protein powder refused to fully assimilate with the evil concoction and chunks of cookie dough like consistencies of protein powder kept hitting my throat along with hemp seeds and grainy smoothie. I pray for salvation but salvation doesn’t come.
But then, the worst part happens. Whole goji berries start flying out this thing. The texture is horrifying and now my gag reflex is having a full scale war with this evil beast. After getting 3 at once my gag reflex concedes and threatens to reverse my hard work and I am now forced to drink this thing with my lips as close to the cup as possible straining the goji berries. it works.
it takes me a whole 45 minutes of me sitting in the bathroom and looking in the mirror giving my self a pep talk and telling myself not to cry and that i’m strong to finish this fucking thing.
You think that’d be the end right? WRONG.
My entire room smells like Ass Smoothie Sausage this morning. I have farted this morning more than I have in the past month, I pray to god my roommates do not wake up before my room airs out for they shall be hit with something horrifying and may never speak to me again. Fuck, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought I was dead. It smells like a fucking dead body is in my room.
Fuck you ASS CHALK SMOOTHIE
i would give you to my worst enemies until they begged for death
and then give them more
The next time I want a smoothie I am going to Ben & Jerry’s
Those homeless adults will have no comprehension of what I went through for them.
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